I have no caps lock, and I must scream. 03/4/2025

I believe screaming is good for you.  Go on, try it.  When you read the next dot, screaming as loud as you can,

.

See? Didn't that feel good? Don't you feel just reset to your baseline? It shakes the heart in a way that should be mandated at schools, so that children learn the benefits for daily screaming.  For me it forces our emotions and feelings I didn't even know I had.  In the way sadness lumps in your throat when you talk about someone you didn't know you still missed.

I am missing a momentum. I have not gotten my movement to work.  What's more, the diagnosis I conduct to find the problem, only brings about more problems.  That alone is scream worthy, but what is a nice kicker, is that my impacted wisdom tooth has recently decided to erupt.  It's so tight, I love waking up with blood in my mouth and pain in my jaw.  The only thing I cherish more is talking with doctors and insurance companies, just to find out that I am a complete retard for even asking questions.I should have gotten this done years ago, and deserve the pain.  Fair enough, I can see their points. I've never been able to get ahead of the curve, and for that, I need to be punished, whether it is through a stalling of my personal progres, or classically punished via the cruelty of the human body having too many teeth.

It's not unlike this new (to me) phenomenon of version control for my game.This is basically just figuring out how to put out a stable build and save it, so that when you fuck up and break everything, you can go back to working point.  I wish I had done that more than I wish I removed this tooth when I was 18.  When I can't get further with coding, everything in my life becomes stuck.  Which flies in the face of the reason I started coding: to get unstuck. I need to hunker down and try to solve the problem.  I've already gone back a bit, and just recently found I'll need to go back even further.  It's demoralizing, and it makes the pressure on my overgrown gums expand to the rest of my jaw.  Bubbling up into my eyes and my brain. 

You can find some sympathy in that pain, people love to talk about what you should do. Or what you should have done a long time ago.  Just do not expect them to help you do it. 

So this week I must help myself.  I have no other choice, I must advance at any cost.  I got to do things I don't want to do.  I have to go back even further.  Wake up even earlier, swallow whatever pain may follow. So for the next 3 days I’m going to post on my channel at 5 when I wake up, to serve a covenant with you, reader and viewer.  A promise that I’m working my ass off to get this right.

I’m Tired, Boss 01/28/25

I’m writing this because I feel I owe the internet an explanation for why I didn’t upload any videos in the last three days.  A sentence I would have thought I was crazy for writing a year ago, and still sounds insane as I write it.  There is no god of the algorithm that my prayers of woe and contrition will hear.  No angels or saints to save me for obscurity and toil, because I do not need saving.  In theory, things are great. None of this matters and everything will be okay.  

So congratulations to diamonds that are still reading. You are owed an explanation: I have two jobs.  Not “gamedev and youtuber” but Butcher and Software Salesmen. I’m not going to call Gamedev a job yet, cause it doesn’t make me dick for money, and as a result I need to prioritize the big stuff. It’s this prioritization that has cause me to not post.

Normally I can do it all. I’ve posted through vacations, funerals, and holidays, all within my first 100 days. But your family crisis won’t wait until you're ready.  Your girlfriend may be okay with you working, but she will be lonely when you are at work. You can lie to yourself and say you aren’t tired. You’d love to see the movie, write the letter of recommendation, and find the time to call your dad once a week. You can do it all too, if you are strong enough.  All it takes is a rigid routine and keeping your head down.

But within the rigidity of the routine, you lose the compassion that flexibility allows you. You aren’t crazy, you really do have that little time in the day, and everyone is wasting it. You will get mad when food you are bringing home after work takes 30 minutes to get ready.  But what a horrible thing to get mad about? 

It used to be these moments that didn’t matter, because there was always more free time. But now you KNOW that it matters. What is worse, you are the only one with the frame of reference to understand why each free moment matters. No one cares that because your dinner is late, you will have less time to sleep, because you need to stick to your rigid schedule and post.  

I could have posted these last three days.  I absolutely could have.  I could have woken up 2 hours earlier before my shift at the butcher and coded then. I could have made a video on the progress I’ve made after my butcher shift Saturday. Or Sunday after the game, I could have kissed my girlfriend good night and stayed up to post a video for the same algorithm gods I’m writing to now.   But I didn’t, cause I valued those few extra hours of sleep or food or freedom. 

The annoying thing is, I’m probably wrong.  Posting on those days would have helped me reach my goals far more than sleep would’ve. Sleep just made me slightly happy in the short term. I felt like I needed it at the moment, but now I’m writing this instead of working on more coding. I spend so much time with my head down focusing on the routine that I don’t see the light or why I’m working so hard in the first place.

But excuses don't matter to you, or anyone. Instead, I now offer hope. On Sunday, February 9th, 2025: I’m going to have a day off work.  I am elated and have plans to hang with my bros all morning.  I’m going to do all the cooking for the big game the day before, and clean the shit out of my house.  That Saturday night I’m going to crack into Kingdom Come Deliverance II.  

Only 11 more days off work to get there, and there will be a post for every single one of them.