I’m Tired, Boss 01/28/25
I’m writing this because I feel I owe the internet an explanation for why I didn’t upload any videos in the last three days. A sentence I would have thought I was crazy for writing a year ago, and still sounds insane as I write it. There is no god of the algorithm that my prayers of woe and contrition will hear. No angels or saints to save me for obscurity and toil, because I do not need saving. In theory, things are great. None of this matters and everything will be okay.
So congratulations to diamonds that are still reading. You are owed an explanation: I have two jobs. Not “gamedev and youtuber” but Butcher and Software Salesmen. I’m not going to call Gamedev a job yet, cause it doesn’t make me dick for money, and as a result I need to prioritize the big stuff. It’s this prioritization that has cause me to not post.
Normally I can do it all. I’ve posted through vacations, funerals, and holidays, all within my first 100 days. But your family crisis won’t wait until you're ready. Your girlfriend may be okay with you working, but she will be lonely when you are at work. You can lie to yourself and say you aren’t tired. You’d love to see the movie, write the letter of recommendation, and find the time to call your dad once a week. You can do it all too, if you are strong enough. All it takes is a rigid routine and keeping your head down.
But within the rigidity of the routine, you lose the compassion that flexibility allows you. You aren’t crazy, you really do have that little time in the day, and everyone is wasting it. You will get mad when food you are bringing home after work takes 30 minutes to get ready. But what a horrible thing to get mad about?
It used to be these moments that didn’t matter, because there was always more free time. But now you KNOW that it matters. What is worse, you are the only one with the frame of reference to understand why each free moment matters. No one cares that because your dinner is late, you will have less time to sleep, because you need to stick to your rigid schedule and post.
I could have posted these last three days. I absolutely could have. I could have woken up 2 hours earlier before my shift at the butcher and coded then. I could have made a video on the progress I’ve made after my butcher shift Saturday. Or Sunday after the game, I could have kissed my girlfriend good night and stayed up to post a video for the same algorithm gods I’m writing to now. But I didn’t, cause I valued those few extra hours of sleep or food or freedom.
The annoying thing is, I’m probably wrong. Posting on those days would have helped me reach my goals far more than sleep would’ve. Sleep just made me slightly happy in the short term. I felt like I needed it at the moment, but now I’m writing this instead of working on more coding. I spend so much time with my head down focusing on the routine that I don’t see the light or why I’m working so hard in the first place.
But excuses don't matter to you, or anyone. Instead, I now offer hope. On Sunday, February 9th, 2025: I’m going to have a day off work. I am elated and have plans to hang with my bros all morning. I’m going to do all the cooking for the big game the day before, and clean the shit out of my house. That Saturday night I’m going to crack into Kingdom Come Deliverance II.
Only 11 more days off work to get there, and there will be a post for every single one of them.
